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Heart-2-Heart #017
Self Sabotage
Part #3 - It Takes As Long As It Takes
Friend of the Heart!
It seems like forever since I last wrote you with part 2 of the Self Sabotage sequal. We then looked at the four elements of self sabotage and how to identify our own patterns.
To refresh your memory, visit:
I ended the last article with:
"I managed to finish my book and have it printed. My next challenge will be to market my book. I promised my coach to deliver a marketing plan this week and I can tell you: that last example all rings true to me! The next issue will address solutions to help you overcome self sabotage."
Well, I've learned a big lesson since I put those words to paper: never put a time frame on any heart-related issues! Time is kind of non-existant to the heart when it comes to finding answers and solutions to any questions you put to it. Sometimes they come instantly and sometimes there are other things which you need to resolve first - which is like a multi-part answer. And sometimes there are moments which you need to experience that are still in the future.
This last option was applicable to me. Last weekend I attended a workshop about bringing consciousness into any situation you're facing which to me felt like the pieces of the puzzle falling into place. Until Friday I was still searching for the right way to express the heart's solution to overcome self sabotage. But I couldn't have written part three until today.
And since I didn't have the proper tool to process my own marketing sabotage, there was no use in writing down a plan either as it would have been a mind effort. Fortunately my coach operates from the heart as well...
Processings Basics
You will have to bear with me on this one. What I'm about to tell you could really use a whole book to give you the full picture and this hasn't been written yet. Well, at least not that I'm aware off. But I'm sure you'll be able to find examples of this in your own life which give you an innate understanding.
First of all, know that any situation you process from the heart is about bringing awareness and understanding - consciousness - into the situation.
Secondly with any situation you encounter, remember:
- It is what it is.
- It does what it does.
- It takes as long as it takes.
Processing a situation from the heart can be an eight-steps process, but it doesn't have to be. (Never mind if you find that last statement confusing - it's the feminine way of processing...) The eight steps being:
- conception
- implantation
- birth
- experience
- understanding
- integration
- change
- transformation
It would follow logically that each step follows from the previous one. However - as it's a feminine system - there is no pre-set order and individuals can go through the process in any given way with the exception of conception as this is always the place to start.
You process any given situation on several levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. This includes understanding. Understanding is more than just an intellectual exercize. You can read how to drive a car and really understand the theory. But does that make you understand what driving is?
If you want a real life example of this process, take a look at a human life. Your own life perhaps. Starting with conception and ending with transformation (read 'death'). Then people grow in unique ways. Some children for example will start learning how to walk; others are inclined to talk first. There are no rules for this. All children will learn both in their own time and pace.
When Does Self Sabotage Occur?
Self sabotage happens whenever you're stuck in a certain experience and cannot come to understanding and integration of it, because you are fearing change.
There can be more reasons for being stuck in a situation which are perhaps beyond your control - sometimes things simply aren't meant to be (just yet) - but fear of change is what comes into play when dealing with self-sabotage.
The sabotage comes from the mind. Many people fear change as they probably had a really bad experience at some point in their lives when going from one situation to the other. I could imagine birth being a pretty traumatic experience for many babies. Coming out of a warm, cosy womb (where you always hear the reassuring heartbeat of mom and never go hungry) into a cold, light world - where in many cases you're instantly put by yourself in a cot on a strict feeding schedule...
So it's not that strange that the mind will think up many terror scenarios which could happen to you when somehow your life changes. Irrational as they may be - the terror feels very real, despite the fact you haven't lived it yet.
People have a tendency to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Your body is really honest and it will not hide discomfort from you. However, when your mind has decided this is not a good place to be, it will do the best it can to make you withdraw from it. If you cannot move out of it literally, it will make you move out at some other level so you don't have to feel the fear, the pain or anxiety. I even know a person who literally falls asleep when confronted with something painfull in a conversation and other diversion tactics aren't working...
Often it isn't till the pain of frustration for not getting where you want to be outgrows your fears, that people find the courage to face them. To discover the fear was only an illusion. A mind trick. You look back and think: "What the heck was I being so anxious about?"
Processing Self Sabotage with the Mind
If you want to reason yourself out of self sabotage - which can be done too - you start with identifying your fears (covered in part 2). Then for every negative situation you thought up (people will never like what I have to say), you also write down the opposite situation (people will like what I have to say).
Deal with these imaginary situations as if they were to opposing parties in a law suit. Find arguments to support the first belief and find arguments to support the second belief. Just think back at times when you were saying whatever and remember the response. List them next to each other. Then make a calculated estimation of the risk involved in persuing your goal.
What makes it difficult to rationalize is the fact that any memory you have is usually infused with emotions. Emotions stand in the way of having a clear perception of the real situation. So whatever memory you recall - chances are you only remember the facts which support your overall feeling of that moment.
I think it was Albert Einstein who said that the real solution to any problems we encounter, cannot be solved with the same tools we used to create the problem in the first place.
From this I could reason that any problem our mind creates, cannot be solved by the mind. If this is true, we need another brain. And I will of course suggest to look for solutions using the heart-brain...
:-)
Processing Self Sabotage with the Heart
Remember my definition of self sabotage?
Self sabotage happens whenever you're stuck in a certain experience and cannot come to understanding and integration of it, because you are fearing change.
But you are a courageous person, willing to face your fears and now you've decided to do an honest investigation of the situation.
You know your goal and you know your problem. You identified your mind's excuse (fear - avoidance - focus - motivation). You may also have come up with all the rational arguments why your brain is better off not believing its own excuses. Yet the feelings are still here. Whatever you planned for yourself, you feel as if persuing this plan is taking a huge risk.
Thus the next place to go is your heart and deal with the experience.
- Focus on your heart. (If you don't know how, download Inspiration for the Happy Heart as it includes a couple of heart focus exercizes.)
- Once that familiar relaxed state of heart coherence spread through your system, say from your heart: "The riskiest thing I could think of doing is to..."
- Hear your heart say: "Wow! Go for it!!"
- Is your mind getting really uncomfortable with this and going: "But what if... And if... And surely not..."
Acknowledge these thoughts. Anger, fear, ego et cetera all want to be of service and, persistent as they are, they will not leave you till you have acknowledged them. If you do, they'll go.
Tell you mind: "Thank you for re-minding me AND I do not live under the control of my mind." - Now imagine yourself doing it - achieving your goal. Imagine with all your senses. Feel what it's like once you've achieved it. The mind cannot tell the difference between a real and an imagined experience.
When I did this exercize I stated: "The riskiest thing I could think of doing right now, is to allow my book to be known, thus be known myself, thus exposing who I am to the judgement of the world."
You know what happened when I imagined my book becoming known? Instead of the sledge hammer I feared would simply wipe me off the face of the earth, I saw this field of love expanding from everyone who came into contact with the book. And I was sitting in the middle of it - warm, cosy and protected by this reassuring heart-beat.
Some part of my brain got real hot. As if something melted. When I asked about this, the answer I got was: "By acknowledging your mind and giving yourself permission from your heart, you rewired your neurons. You have basically overcome self sabotage."
What Happens Next?
Does this exercize guarantee you will succeed in achieving your goals? No...
Sorry about that. Too many possibilities involved here. What this exercize does is make you overcome your fears. So you end the self sabotage. And you may not even get there in one go. It helps if you practise heart focus regularly, so you're familiar with tuning into your heart. Use tools like The Journey to Wild Divine if you need feedback on this.
It probably also depends on the amount of fear you're feeling. The 'bigger' the emotions, the longer it may take. However, many people do break out of their sabotaging pattern after the first attempt.
Once you're free of these fears, you will find it much easier to question your heart about which steps you need to take to get where you want to be. To listen to your intuition, to follow your inner guidance.
There's a spiritual law which says that whatever you ask for, the Universe will conspire to get it to you. If you don't receive it, you may have unfinished business standing in the way. In which case you will be instantly presented with the opportunity to deal with this. But also remember: it takes as long as it takes.
Here's a great affirmation to take to bed with you tonight. It was sent to me today by a special lady who could also tell you a great story of how it worked miracles in her life. Maybe I'll have permission to share more about this with you in the next newsletter.
I am ready to receive expected and
unexpected blessings into my life NOW!
Bless you and may you find much happiness in who you are and what you do!
Patricia Ritsema van Eck
www.my-happy-heart.com
P.S.
The workshop I attended this weekend was by Joy Messick, my spiritual teacher who has the biggest heart. She has done me the honor of writing the preface to my book. I've posted it on-line.
Click here to read it.
Links for this Issue
The Journey to Wild Divine - believe it or not, but there's a computer game which leads to heart coherence...
Self Sabotage Part #1
- The Ultimate Mind Game.
Self Sabotage Part #2
- What's Stopping You?
Inspiration for the Happy Heart - free ebook with a bunch of heart focus exercizes explained.
Hartverwarmers - same free ebook but for Dutch list subscribers.
Preface by Joy Messick - in You're the Key to My Happy Heart
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Updates
The Attractor Factor
Joe Vitale's latest book, The Attractor Factor, made it to number one best-seller and was sold out within two days! The book is available again as of Wednesday, April 20th.
That very same day will be the third and last opportunity to order the book and receive many bonuses as a thank you. I don't think I told you this before, but when Joe asked me about this I included a special discount bonus for My Happy Heart (yes, that would be a little more than the pre-sales discount you get here at the website!).
What does this tell you?
- I'm a Joe Vitale fan. The Attractor Factor is the revised edition of his earlier book Spiritual Marketing. I have both now. I find it both refreshing and very encouraging that spirituality can be part of the every day business community as well. So far the best book(s) I ever read by Joe.
- Despite my self sabotaging tactics, I haven't been totally obliviant to engaging in any marketing efforts...
;-)
Heart Recommendations
No Better Way to Kill Time...
How a teenage son put an end to the self sabotage of his father
(by David Perdew).
This isn't exactly the subtitle David gave his inspiring story, so I hope he'll forgive me for making it link this way to today's issue of Heart-2-Heart. But it deals with beliefs bestowed upon us by our family and how they prevent us from following our heart's call, which is a form of sabotage in itself.
David also has a very inspiring website where I spent several hours reading his writings and enjoying the beautiful pictures he all takes himself:
Mike Chen's Secret Weapon Combat Manual
(by me actually)
For anyone who's into selling products or services.
Joe Vitale (again) once said that the only way to know you've written a really good sales letter is when you show it to friends and the feedback you get is: "I want that product!"
Part of my plan to achieve success includes daily writing practice. All sorts of writing, including copywriting (yep, marketing again...). Click the link to view my latest effort.
I promise I will do everything it takes at that web page to convince you of wanting the product - the Secret Weapon Combat Manual.
Are you daring enough to take a look?
Heart-2-Heart
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My Happy Heart © 2005 Patricia Ritsema van Eck